One of Those Nights

If love is blind, I must have been very blind.

I hate how irrational feelings are.
How my mind and heart are always in conflict.
How my prayers seem void.
How I deceive myself.

I feel stupid. He doesn’t even know.

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I find it strange that some people are actually envious of me… Or rather my life… Perhaps they haven’t seen the tears shed in exchange. And those haunting thoughts, voices telling you you’re not good enough.

It’s so convincing sometimes, it drives me crazy. For I have every reason to believe so.

In times like this, I choose to listen to the word of God and know that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. To be still, and know that He is God.

It has been an incredible 4 days at the Operating Theatre, a-once-in-a-lifetime privilege.

@ the Recovery Room

It was my first time seeing with my naked eyes and touching a baby conceived just minutes ago (via Caesarean), with his fingers still sticking together. =) It was pure joy just looking at him. =)))

In front of the baby was a woman in her late 20s, who just had a Caesarean. I hate seeing patients lying stranded on the bed with no one around, totally powerless and unsure of the next intervention. There she was, just given birth, and alone staring up the ceiling. =( So I went up to her and we talked, I was surprised how easily we engaged each other! =) She went on to tell me that her pregnancy had to be induced due to her baby’s heart condition and he had to be sent to the ICU at once. Tears swelled up her eyes when she told me that. =( And we went on to talk about lighter stuff… Thankfully we had many things in common =)

@ the Operating Theatre

I’m overjoyed to even enter an OT, I mean how was I to know that a childhood fantasy could actually come true?! It had once seemed so surreal, so far-fetched and unattainable. It makes me believe that I can dream of anything and it can be possible.

I had the privilege to witness
1) Stripping of varicose veins 
2) Laproscopy + gallbladder removal
3) Bladder cystoscopy + biopsy
4) Removal of breast tumours
5) Removal of cysts on face and hand
6) Rectal hemorrhoid
7) Hemithyroidectomy (Removal of thyroid)
8) Below-knee amputation (BKA)
9) Termination of pregnancy (a.k.a abortion)

It was an awakening of some unknown senses when I looked at the insides of our body. Beautiful organs. Beautiful creation of God. I’m overwhelmed. =’’)

~~~

A Touching Operation

This morning, before the start of an operation, a nurse announced to all that this patient had Hepatitis B. I was especially touched by the surgical team when I saw their unwavering commitment and determination to operate on him regardless. I’m sure they’d do the likewise even if a patient has HIV or other blood diseases.

As an outsider witnessing the op, it finally hit me why people always view medical professionals as being “heroic”, because at that moment, I saw them in the same light too. Now I understand, and I am very proud of how doctors and nurses would go all out, at the expense of themselves, to save someone. =’’’)

That scenario was what every student should see for themselves, to not only be inspired, but to grasp the impact we can actually make in doing the seemingly ‘mundane’ stuff. Sometimes, it’s too easy to despise the little things we do for patients…

~~~

A Disturbing Operation

In my previous post, before the start of clinicals, I mentioned that I hope to have the chance to see an amputation op, and I was very happy that it was granted. =) It wasn’t as bad as I had imagined it to be, no intimidating machines and big saws.  -_-

I shall keep the details of the procedures censored for the sake of people with wild imagination like me. The worst part of the op was not the sight of it but the sound produced when the _____ is being ____. For someone with a low tolerance to awful sound, I had to act unpro and cover my ears with my hands, in an attempt to muffle it.

When this _____ doctor saw it, she said “It is not going to explode you know.” At that moment, I was too distracted to care, so I “duh-ed + *roll eyes*” in my mind and dismissed her comment. Later I realised it was just stupid lame sarcasm which was totally redundant. One reason why I like Gregory House is because his sarcasm actually makes sense and sound intelligent.

I could still take trivial matters like that, it just reflects the kind of mind you have. The most disturbing thing however, was when a nurse asked if I wanted it “medium-rare or cooked”. I was utterly speechless and offended. How can anyone make light and disrespect a body part? I mean a HUMAN body part.

Would you say the same if that patient is your loved ones? Dammit. Talk about patient’s dignity. I could have spoken up for the patient, but I did nothing… In the limiting mindset of a student.

~~~

A Sad Operation

This morning I had a chance to witness 2 abortion ops. It was a disheartening moment to see girls around my age having to go through that. I feel especially for them since I had a nightmare in Year 1 Sem 1 of me discovering that I was pregnant and having to go for abortion (due to the fetus I saw in our Anatomy Museum. Argh.)

The dream was so real and vivid, I woke up from it panting and trying to make sense/reality out of it as I lay on my bed. In my dream, I remember being so traumatised and helpless, and seeing the future I was working towards crashing right before me. I remember I didn’t believe it actually happened to me, surely it was another girl’s life story. Not mine.

As I witnessed the op process, I felt sad in my heart. It’s a kind of sad I don’t normally feel.  It’s scary how a mere moment of folly, of losing one’s rationality can leave one with a lifetime of regret. This is totally not worth the price of instant gratifications.

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I had a nightmare again last night, and I woke up from it at 3am. It was related to my clinicals. I was so scared… =( Sigh……

Does Aileen deserve a good celebration for the official completion of Year 2  two weeks later? =)

 

The In Side

It’s 2:15am now. My energy level has surged sky-high recently, it gets a little inappropriate at times. I don’t know if people actually get irritated by it, when it gets me chirpy, high and all. Then again, I can draw my curtain right before you, and we can feel a thousand miles apart - in an instant, if I wish.

I’m now tearing to Joshua Bell’s “Ladies in Lavender” on the violin. I never really like the violin, it’s as if my brain’s vibrating and hair’s fizzing up. If you can imagine… And whoever came up with the brilliant idea of that awkward playing position?

This piece, however, touches something in my heart. There are some emotions which are so remote, they go beyond comprehensive words. It is when music comes in play, with the power to draw them out. 

There’s probably a part of us we never know about… For I often find myself surprising myself.

MIA and Back

Wow, I didn’t even realise how long I haven’t blogged. Time passed so quickly, I’m already at my 4th week of clinicals. It’s amazing. =) The faster the merrier, I wanna have my holidays like the rest of the NUS people.

And now I don’t know where to begin… 

Maybe from the most recent?

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Dad’s Birthday

@ Prima Towers Revolving Restaurant @ Keppel Road

                 

*Hmmmm…. What shall I order…*

                  

*AHHH headache!!!*

                      

The staircase where me and Bro used to play on when we were kids. We loved running up and down and walking on the elevated red step at the side =)))

As the name suggests, the whole restaurant actually revolves, bringing us scenes of the PSA, Mount Faber and Sentosa. As if to celebrate my Dad’s birthday, there were fireworks from Sentosa at the moment our view was directly in front of it. =)))

It was a memorable moment for us. =)

                             

                 

We then made our way to the Resort World @ Sentosa for a look! It was our first time there after the official opening, so it was quite an eye-opener. We are planning to go back for “Air Supply” concert on 20th June! Dad first introduced this oldie band to us when we were 13 or 14. =)

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Semester Results

It was just average with Bs and Cs, at least I improved, and that’s something to be happy about. =)) I don’t really place grades above all, so with this lack of motivation and attitude, I don’t expect a lot out of it.

There’re other things I place more value in of which I demand more out of myself…

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Asia Conference

Since clinicals, I haven’t been going to church regularly due to time clashes and to be able to back for Asia Conference, experiencing the presence and love of God so mightily, was such an overwhelming experience for me. Something I won’t trade anything for.

                 

Happy to sit with Alice!!! =))) We knew each other in secondary school and grew up in church together, so we’ve seen many sides of each other! =Pp

                  

Sunday sunrise over the expressway to EXPO for orchestra cum choir performance. It was my privilege to be able to perform in the presence of many great leaders and broadcasted to millions around the world. Sometimes I feel I don’t deserve it, but thank God =))

                

Choir getting their hair and makeup done, looking good =)))

             

                                                            

                

                

On the finale night with my best friends of a decade =))) Despite all.

It was an awesome 3 days of being refreshed spiritually, emotionally, physically and psychologically. Best of all, it is smacked in the middle of my clinicals when I most needed it =)))

However, a day after the end of AC, news broke forth that our church is involved in some monetary issues. It is actually the hottest topic in the media right now. Actually I’m quite nonchalant about it in the objective point of view, like what’s new?

However, it saddens me too and I actually can’t bring myself to read the news reports. I didn’t read the previous news involving my conductor and his wife too. For I know too well that local news are often so well garnished, you can’t taste the main ingredient.

Whatever it is, I know I won’t be the person I am now if I hadn’t set foot into it a decade ago. I remember sitting alone in my first service there, being scared and all cos I couldn’t contact my bestie. I actually cried.  -_- I remember me as a girl, with nothing much in my hands, no dreams to work towards, and still figuring out this new phase of life as a young teenager.

But since that first service, I have never left my church and it was the best decision I’ve made in my whole life to know God and be led by Him. Never did I know that God has so much in store for me. Though I haven’t done a lot or have come very far, where I am now is something I could never imagine myself at a decade ago.

And I wanna thank my church leaders for guiding me through my spiritual walk with God, for their consistent boldness and faith in God, for always encouraging us to pray and love God even more than yesterday.

 

A Revelation

 

Tonight is not the best night to have insomnia, but it’s almost inevitable as neurons explode like fireworks in the tiny space of my cranium. It’s effortless to even think, like a result of our involuntary reflexes.

It’s 4:45am now and I just gave up sleeping after 3 agonising hours of tossing and turning, trying to find a best position to sleep in. In the process, I thought of some interesting things of which only 2 are prominent enough for me to remember.

1) If you think about it, we can liken our body to the Earth, in a sense that a raise in just a few degree Celsius would have a detrimental effect on both. Earth part was inspired by Discovery Channel and body part was inspired by a febrile patient.

2) I have been very puzzled every time my piano teacher made the same comment that I always rushed when I played my scales. So logically I always slowed down after that though I didn’t clearly understood what was wrong actually.

After mulling over it during my insomnia, I finally received a revelation of the meaning of “rush” and how different it is from “fast”.

Fast – Implies a predictable constancy of consistency.

Rush – Implies an reckless inconsistency of speed,  a metronome’s worst enemy.

So bottomline of that revelation, USE A METRONOME. Set it as fast as you want, but FOLLOW the tempo.

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With just an hour left to sleep, the break of dawn is quite a scary thing. I have to reach the hospital by 7am and highlight of the day is to discharge an illegal immigrant. I hope I get to call the ICA, add some drama into my already _____ life.

I can’t find an appropriate word to fill that blank.

Have a rehearsal later at night too, it’s been too long since I last practised on the cello. It is beginning to seem distant and daunting. Why does it have to go lower down my priority list every time my life gets busier?

All the best to me, I only hope to survive Wednesday.

Surprises

Went back to work after 2 days off only to discover a new patient with an open fracture involved in a road traffic accident. The hair at the back of my thighs stood and I could feel my legs became slightly weaker, upon seeing long metal screws (external fixation) sticking out of his heavily bandaged leg.

I haven’t seen anything like that before, and worse, not mentally prepared to see one at 7am. We talked for a while and he told me his story. I realised most patients love talking, especially about themselves.

I felt darn accomplished yesterday to finally pluck up my courage to talk to this permanently angry patient, after 1 week. From what I observed, he was always scolding his caregiver and other nurses. Thankfully our little talk went well, as in he didn’t get angry haha. I haven’t seen a slightest smile from him until now, and my aim is to make him smile hahaha.

Personally, I need to talk to my patients and create some kind of relationship. It’s just not fitting for me to nurse a stranger, if you know what I mean. Especially since I’m still a student, I don’t want my patients to feel that they are objects of my experiments. As crude as that sounds.

It’s disturbing for me to see students surrounding a patient to observe a procedure, without the consent of the patient. It’s not a show nor an exhibition. 2 is fine, >3’s a crowd. That being said, patients’ dignity is a big concern for me and I can get anal about it.

I think all patients should know the rights they are entitled to. One of which is to disallow nursing students to attend to you. Haha. But I’m uncertain if patients really have the right to choose the kind of treatments and interventions they receive. I mean, of course, this is a democratic country so on black and white, they can. But why are my patients complaining to me that despite voicing out a preference, healthcare professionals still insisted on their way?

Sometimes, I think we know our own body best and healthcare pro. should take heed of patients’ requests and not dismiss them so easily. Sometimes.

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On a lighter note, my music theory result was out today and I got a distinction. Yayyyy! I think it’s a miracle considering how I couldn’t find my exam venue thus was late and darn frustrated, and how the paper was quite different from the past-year papers I did… And I remember erasing a lot of my answers upon checking at the last 30 minutes. I blogged about it previously, describing it as my most agonising paper.

Preparing for my September piano practical exam now… I hope what happened last year won’t happen again this time.

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Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think.
- Ephesians 3:20

 

A Glimpse Into Nursing Life

And so I’ve been posted to a 6-bedded male cubicle in a neuro-surgical ward. “Neuro” suggests brain disorders/injuries and surgical suggests pre/post operation patients.

It was my first time taking care of male patients so I had a little culture shock, otherwise, I’ve adapted well since it’s a pretty familiar environment.

There are a few cases which I haven’t heard of before. Like having a ventricular-peritoneal shunt inserted to drain excess CSF continuously produced in the brain, into the abdominal area. And insertion of atrial-ventricular fibrillation in the right upper trunk of the body for kidney dialysis, due to excessive use of both hands for the past decade of dialysis.

That patient was recently transferred to our ward to recuperate from operation. He had very bad appetite and only managed to eat 2 spoonfuls of rice that night. While eating, he asked for a plastic bag as he was feeling nauseous, and actually vomited.

Flashback of previous experience played in my mind, where a renal patient asked me for a plastic bag for the same reason, only to pass on shortly after I gave her.

Anyway, it was such a relief when I found out that he could manage to eat a full meal the next day and was no longer feeling nauseous. =) I could see that he looked healthier too. That was a big improvement.

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Last morning while attending to this patient whom I’ve grown to know a lot better, he started sharing about how much trouble he’s causing his wife and daughter now that he’s hospitalised. What I didn’t expect was, he started to cry too.

It was only the beginning of my shift at 7+ and I was trying hard to contain my tears which thankfully I managed to.  It was also my first time being with a crying man and all I could do was to lend a listening ear. Sometimes there is little need for words.

I’ve seen how his wife would come after work every day at about 4pm to visit him and how she would stay till about 9pm with him. It is heartwarming to see how the couple still hold true to the vow they made decades ago when they decided to cleave only to each other, till death do them part.

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It’s been a good 4 days in the ward, 31 more days to go hahaaa…

 

From A Student To A Nurse

 

3 more days to attachment @ NUH. I’m rather looking forward to it actually, it’s the highlight of every semester for me, though I don’t deny that 7 weeks of being a nurse seems slightly daunting.

Would I be able to handle it?

I’ll be posted to an orthopedic ward for 5 weeks, operating theatre  and CDC (near TTSH) for 1 week each. It’d be by far the most challenging attachment in terms of length of time and kind of specialty.

For someone who cringes at the very mention or sight of any bone-related stuff (including dental procedures =/), it’d take a lot out of me I guess. Nonetheless, I must still act professionally and be the best nurse I know how.

I just hope there will be no open fracture cases or deformed limbs or body parts due to broken bones. =/ This would definitely be my first and last time being in an orthopedic ward, and it’s really fine for me not to ever see those cases.

On the other hand, I’m anticipating being in an operating theatre, it’s almost my childhood fantasy. Yay and it’s coming to past soon =) I’m uncertain what kind of operations there’ll be and am hoping there’s nothing to do with the eyes or brain. 0.0 Strangely, I think I’m fine with amputations, in fact, I’m really curious to witness it live.

They say an OT is like a carpenter’s room, with many intimidating equipment and saws. Sometimes even with the smell of barbequed pork? Due to the burning of flesh. o.o Really looking forward to see (or smell ewww.) it for myself and I feel privileged to be able to do so! =) Though, of course, we’ve all heard very bad stories about surgeons and their mannerism.

Communicable Disease Centre (CDC) is quite boring I heard. It’s mainly patient education and much therapeutic communication for people with infectious diseases such as HIV/AIDS and god-knows-what. I’m hoping time flies there, but doubting it will. The thought of travelling all the way to TTSH is a big put off.

My attachment schedule is really bad, it’s like everything I don’t want it to be. Out of 7 Sundays, I have to work on 5 of them and am spared the other 2 only because everyone else is. Thankfully my church has Saturday services, of which I might also not be able to attend to if I have afternoon shifts.

On top of that, I have a performance at the end of the month and looking at my schedule I can only go for about 1 or 2 more rehearsals. I definitely need to swap my shifts or something… It’s such a dreadful hassle.

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My head seems lighter and more spacious now, good time to sleep!

Post Exams!

 

=))))

And so our Year 2 academic studies had come to an end, and we are now trying to utilise our pathetic 1 week of holiday before our 7-week attachment commences next week. Quite a sentence-full hehe.

At midnight while studying for Microbiology, protozoa, worms and all, my bestie text me to go Malaysia after my paper! This is how random we can get! I was so exhilarated (+ the effect of caffeine), I couldn’t sleep the entire night. Literally. Gushes of thoughts flooded my mind, rendering it a malfunctioned, overworked robot.

                           

And so I had the rare chance to witness a gorgeous sunRISE, which totally fascinated me. =)) The last time I did that at home was during my JC days… When school started at 7.30am. Ridiculous timing!

Rushed off after my paper to meet bestie to go Malaysia lol. I still find it amusing.

                               

Enjoying our Mango Ice Kimo, really nice eh. =))

We stayed in City Square mall for about 6 hours and returned at about 11pm. I realised many things could have happened, looking at how high the crime rate is and how they take daylight robbery literally. The transition at the custom felt really dangerous, we were so on our guards. Otherwise all was fine.

Upon reaching Singapore, we realised that both of us were actually uncontactable while in Malaysia. We had no autoroaming!!! We could have been kidnapped (my mum’s concern) and nobody’s ever gonna find us.

“Living life on the edge” perfectly describes that night. It probably was a moment of folly, carelessness and irrationality. Then again, Murphy’s law applies no matter where you are and what you do.

Thank God for protection and for watching over us! =)))

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The next day…

Tuesday @ East Coast Park with bestie (again…), Olive, Imran and Jay the nurses!

We needed to shed away fats accumulated during exam period due to our super sedentary lifestyle and inactivity.

                              

Some things never change, we loved rollerblading @ ECP during secondary school days, and still do! =) Though much lesser now, like once a year? Or less? Lol…

                          

Olive with both our slippers as butt cushion! Waha. We headed off not knowing where to go and then Imran came up with a brilliant idea to go Marina Bay’s Helix Bridge! 0.0 Extremely cool!

                    

Silhouette of Jay as we rested under a bride somewhere near the Singapore Indoor Stadium. 

                    

YES!!! Finally arrived at our destination after about 2.5 hours. It was all worth it! =))) It was my first time there so I was very fascinated with everything, like an awakening of some sleeping senses.

The quite realistic DNA structure reminded me of  “Genes and Society” module I took in Year 1. NUS has seriously taken a hold of me. Waha.

                           

                            

For those who don’t know, the letters on the floor actually has significance to the structure!

C = Cytosine which has 3 Hydrogen-bonds with G (Guanine) &
A = Adenine which has 2 H-bonds with T (Thymine)
They are all nucleotides of a DNA and the H-bonds are what keep the 2 strands of DNA together.

Of course my first thought when I saw “A” and “T” wasn’t that but a nicer name. Hahaha. Otherwise I won’t be so fascinated as to taking a picture with some nucleotides. =P

                          

Bad angle of the Singapore Flyer. =/ Took it as I whee-ed past haha.

We were so tired, we took a cab back to East Coast. FAILED. Lol. The boys cycled back though. Only because a cab can’t fit in 2 bikes =Pp

                 \

Finally resting for good! Tiredness was written all over our faces. It only proved how much more we needed to exercise!

                

A little glimpse of sunset to end off the day. =)

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Bro got his driving license yesterday on his FIRST attempt! =) And so he drove us around tonight under the close guidance of my dad. But dad had to come down and help him with parallel parking hahaha. I’m happy just being driven around, it’s too much of a hassle!

We went for a joyride down ECP highway and past the Helix bridge again! Obviously it was my suggestion haha cos I wanna look at the lights on the bridge at night =Pp.

Again, my life was put at risk in the hands of a new driver!

These 2 days have been extremely life-threatening. Hahaha. Talk about post-exams celebration! Lol.

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Rest of the week will be more toned-down, as I devote my time to my much neglected instruments. Much to catch up and improve.

And then I’ll be robbed of my life again, for 7 weeks.

Till then…

Exam Review

 

Done with 3 papers in these 2 days.

Nursing – Quite bad
Medical sociology – Bad
Politics – Happy

Psychology – Tomorrow
Microbiology – Next Monday (Sian.)

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I hate open-book papers actually. Ironically I feel more restricted to write even though we can bring in all the materials we’d need. It is precisely because of that that I feel my answer has to be PERFECT which I know is IMPOSSIBLE, so I just don’t know how to write it to match my expectation. Sigh… If you understand what I mean.

In similar vein, I am always struggling to write a satisfactory essay assignment even though we have access to academic journals and well, the internet. Same reason.

Though politics exam was also in the essay format, it was done through pure memorisation and ability to crap sensibly. Thus I find it easy to write and was happy with my paper, regardless of the result I’m gonna get. It’s the sense of knowing you have done the best you know how.

The time of exam is also a major determinant factor for me. Nursing and Sociology papers both started at 9am? It’s such an ungodly time for me to write anything decent or intelligent. Usually I’m still asleep or barely awake at 9am. For the past 2 days, it also came to my realisation that so much is happening while I am sleeping.

Mornings are such stressful time, with people rushing about with the hustle and bustle of life. I had excess time this morning and so was standing by my window and people-watched. I noticed their pace of walking was much faster then any other time of the day and people seemed to have a purpose to achieve, a destination to go. I kinda liked that scene, like how every one has a role to play in society.

Psychology paper starts at 1pm tomorrow. Nice timing. I’ve read through the entire textbook leaving a non-examined chapter out. If only every module and textbook is that interesting? This is by far the only module that is able to greatly captivate my interest. I’m just happy that I acquire this knowledge, regardless of my result.

Well, in the process of it all, I’ve seen how people are so hard up about grades and all, that doing better than others mean so much? I think comparing to gauge where you stand is fine, but comparing to know that you’ve outdone so-and-so is just plain distasteful.

Like so what? Does it make you more intelligent in any way?

Yay to meritocracy, boo to its ugly side effects.

 

My Awesome Kids

 

And so it goes, I have 5 kids now, ranging from 3-18 years old. =) 2 piano and 3 tuition.

A new 4 year-old girl was added today haha and she totally made my day! =)

While teaching her halfway, she took out something from her mum’s bag and showed me.

Me: What is that??
Her: *Giggles*
Me: *Takes a closer look* Oh, is that your diaper??? Why do you show me?? Hahaha.

Kids do the darnest thing! Waha.

And so I was trying to get her familiarised with the piano keys and had her put her tiny palm on the back of my hand (for a piggyback ride =P) as I pressed on the blacks keys.

"2 black keys, 3 black keys, 2 black keys, 3 black keys….”

                    

Until we reached the lowest set where there sits only one black key. Then I turned to look at her

Me: Oh.. Left one lonely black key… Usually nobody cares for it (since it’s the 2nd lowest note)… Do you want to care for it?
Her: Yes! (With all sincerity, and stretched over to press it.)

Omg so cute!!! And I don’t know where my lameness came from seriously. 

Kids are such wonders. =)))

Study Week

 

As the title suggests, it is NUS’ (or NUS’s?) study week now. I hate study week the most, though it seems like a good excuse to avoid other commitments. The thing is, even with so much (seemingly) free time, I am mentally imprisoned.

At the back of my mind, haunting screams keep calling for me to study and they won’t cease until they bind me to a chair in front of my books. Ok I’m exaggerating, but it’s about 80% true.

While lying on my bed at 4:30am, about to give in to a short slumber, it suddenly dawned upon me that I have piano lesson at 11am. My heart skipped a beat as I leapt out of my bed and readjusted my alarm clock.

How could I forget my weekly lesson? =/

Anyway, my teacher started off with scales, my worst section. I could sense she was getting impatient and so I was getting frustrated, with myself. I could only blame myself for not practising.

After the agonising moment, we moved on to my exam piece. She reduced the speed for practice from 48 to 46 cos I couldn’t play in time. Again, I was kinda frustrated because I could play in time in my room and I actually find it distracting when she played along with me an octave higher. But of course, I could only blame it on my poor… Time management?

Moving on, she had me started on my 3rd exam piece – Chopin Mazurka in A minor, op.7 no. 2. It was on repeat for over 2 hours while I studied and I’m beginning to like it. =) Actually I don’t really have good impression of Chopin piano pieces cos the long-windedness never fail to make me drowsy, though he’s supposedly a “piano poet”. I love his cello sonatas so much more. =)

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Anyway, I hope this song will encourage all of you as it has for me. Sometimes, there are too many voices in our head or that of other people, which make us feel inferior or inadequate.

But God, our Creator, paints a whole different picture of us. He says that we are an apple of His eyes, that each of us is really special to Him and He really loves us despite all our shortcomings.

Makes me wanna cry just writing this. Ok enjoy…

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.”

Joshua 1:9

The Frog Needs To Be Out Of The Well

 

Things are looking bleak now. I have lost my appetite yet again.

Just received a letter from my cousin in Japan, in it she attached a brochure of Nagoya, the place she’s living and studying in now. She ended the letter with “It should make you more keen to visit!” Lol, so cute.

If things go well, I’d definitely love to go at the end of the year. Anyone wanna tag along? Free accommodation! We can go eat sushi and see geishas together =)))

I just had a casual thought, that perhaps it’d be good to work in the UK for a while after maybe a year in local hospital? After all, their healthcare system is much more advanced, their salaries are much higher, nurses are more respected and best of all they have very established music therapy.

The flipside is that as an Asian I might be treated as a second-class citizen and since racism is prevalent there, I might get randomly shot down in the street after saving their own citizens at work.

However, if I wanna bring music into local hospitals, that is the best place to learn from. Like for my cousin, she’s learning the Japanese language, so obviously Japan is the best place to learn.

In addition, I have my music path to sort out. I’ll take things one at a time as for now.

Singapore is too small a place to be stuck in. =/

 

My Bedroom Walls

I spend most of my time at home in my room, minding my own business.

If the walls have eyes, they’d see how ugly I look when I cry, how silly I look when I laugh at my laptop, how bored I am while studying, how distressed/determined/satisfied (hardly) I am with my instruments.

If the walls have ears, they’d hear my most intimate prayers, my cries and whimpers, how whiny I can get with my instruments, my mf  laughter, my airy singing and my “Oh noooo”s and “Oh my god!!!”s while watching “Glee”.

And if they really have ears… They’d have crumbled down by now due to the so-called music I produced.

Almost all of the above listed happened on just this one day.

Perhaps ignorance is bliss? Sometimes it is probably good not to see or hear certain stuff.

Psychology is psychotic.

I can’t describe how hopeless I’m feeling right now.

My relationship with music has been good, at least I can see an apparent improvement over 1 week.

But I have a feeling this semester is so screwed for me. I had just received a call (sixth one at 8.15pm)  from the Psychotic Psychology Department of NUS regarding my term paper, after dismissing 5 previous calls from them cos it was an unknown number.

There is a reason why I seldom pick up unknown calls, very often nothing good ever come out of those.

Upon being told to meet them next Monday, I asked if my paper was “really bad” and the caller (my tutor cum coordinator for Psychology) told me it wasn’t, and that they just wanna “address some concerns” ….

Ok whatever that means.

The thing is, I’ve been studying Psych this whole afternoon cos that’s my only hope and favourite module for this semester. I got 84 the previous test and thought that this could at least help with my CAP.

And now I received that ____ call.

It just crushed every hope that I have. I don’t even feel like studying now. What’s the point.

______ __ .  =’’(

 

                               

Sunday @ East Coast!

                                                                     

My JC friend Si Min! She joined me for church and we went ECP after service with my cell =)) I love this picture of her cos I took it. And I think my backview is nicer than my front. Sadly.

_________________

Anyway, I had great pleasure hanging out with Steph Chan tonight. I was kinda bored with school and she happened to be in town. We spent 5 quality hours together, out of that perhaps 3-4 hours talking about music.

She was confused as to what I wanna do in life. Nursing or music??? It’s kinda clear to me that nursing is merely a responsibility, something I HAVE to and called to do. Otherwise, I know I will carry this burden for the rest of my living days.

Music, on the other hand, has always been my passion. It’s something I have wanted to do since as young as I can remember and it’s something I WANT to do for the rest of my living days.

It is, however, not easy to juggle between both, especially since they are of completely different worlds. Many times I find myself torn between two, the mental conflicts are tragic. How am I supposed to divide myself when both are screaming for my attention with equal loudness?

Weigh my priorities.

Music wins.

Because I know the effort I invest in now is gonna last me through my life, till my dying days. But I can’t say the same for studies though I love learning very much.

I find it hard to justify. There is a guilt in me every time I spend more time practising than studying. How ridiculous.

Hate the constant battle within me.

And so I’ve finally changed my blogskin. =) It was one of the nights when you just refused to do anything you knew you should. In addition, I stayed up really late just to read my 2004/05 entries and reminisce on my past.

Nothing glorious though.

I couldn’t help but to burst into laughter at some of the silly things I wrote and did. And that was about 4.30am. It’s probably good to look back once a in blue moon and reflect on the changes we’ve made in our lives, be it good or bad. Oh and I found a long-lost song which I wrote and forgot about. I like the lyrics! =)))

That aside, my days have been rather low recently. I could probably attribute that to my sickness which is impeding me in some ways. Many times I’m too drowsy to focus  for long and it takes a lot out of me just to study or practise.

I realise I have been whining a lot more to my instruments and that should never be within the earshot of anyone, for obvious reasons.  It’s just meaningless sounds of frustration, not that they serve any purpose though… =/

I was just practising my current orchestra piece on the cello and at the end of my practice, I realised I was hearing my conductor’s voice throughout. Him telling me how it should be played when I reached a certain bar and him counting “1… 2… 3… 4…”.

What happened was, I was slightly late for the recent rehearsal and there happened to be no other cellist. So the moment I entered the room, I felt like turning 180 degrees and go right back home. I mean… Dvorak No. 8?!?! It has so many solo cello parts!!! How am I going to survive. =(((

Flashbacks of previous experiences revived and haunted me for a while. I thought of the time when I was singled out to play some bars because of some mistakes. Then I was just an amateur and noob (and sadly still is) to this whole cello/orchestra thing. Needless to say, I was traumatised and rejected the cello for a period of time. I even refrained myself from looking at it every time I walked past it at home.

So anyway, my conductor was really relieved that I was there, I mean at least there was a cello, though in my mind I was like “Omgomgomgomg”. Well, the whole rehearsal didn’t turn out as bad as I had thought it would be. My conductor was very kind to have guided me throughout (probably knowing how stressed I was) and encouraged me every time I played correctly. I’m fortunate in a sense he is also a cellist. =)

I couldn’t ask more. He’s the best conductor I’ve come across. Other conductors might have screamed at me, torn my score, or chased me out. Maybe. Ha.

Albeit surviving through the rehearsal, I broke down when I reached home. The pressure was a tad too intense for me. I did not play up to my own expectation, the orchestra had to repeat some parts because of me and I couldn’t catch up at some parts.

In the midst of crying, I text my conductor to thank him for that night. And he commented that I have improved loads and he could hear my improvement. =) That meant a lot to me, though I couldn’t help feeling sad.

I think it was quite an achievement tonight to even take out the score and practise it, ignoring what happened and determining to get it right. Well, there’s no point brooding over it since  eventually I still need to practise and get it right. As right as I can…

I just have to say it again, I’m very very thankful for my conductor, it could have been a lot worse.

 

Not in the best of health recently being down with sore throat and running/runny nose resulting in intermittent blocked ears.

But happy to spend the entire Tuesday in my room, only leaving for toilet breaks and food in kitchen. =))

Otherwise, my room has everything I need for survival.

I think my life is too predictable, there are just these few (interesting) things that I always do haha…

 

And so I’ve been reading the Psychology textbook on personality. I still cannot decide if I’m an introvert or an extrovert…

Sometimes I’m this and sometimes that, depending on situations and people (Ok maybe I’m not that predictable… But my life is haha.). However, I think I’m an introvert innately.

I love entertaining myself (that includes laughing at my own jokes) and am perfectly fine being alone anywhere.

Being “anti-social” in Psychology term, does not mean choosing to be alone or avoiding social activities as it is conventionally presumed. Rather, it means deviating from the social norms, exhibiting irresponsible and harmful behaviours. Such as, lying, stealing, murder, manipulation of others.

So… Obviously I’m not an anti-social as a few have commented. *ahem*

 

That being said, I’m also fine in the presence of (non-creepy) people. Especially recently, I don’t know how did I manage to find so many words to say. Omg. It’s probably my almost all-girl environment in school haha…

 

Hence the confusion over introversion and extraversion. But I don’t actually care, if not for the topic which intrigued me enough to do a little self-reflection…

 

Oh by the way… My own world is a very special place, accessed only by me. =))) And perhaps my future half =))) In it, I live my dreams.

I hope to be able to bring it into reality, so I can share my little world with everyone too hehehe.

I think you can dismiss my previous thought about imperfection and a human touch, that is probably just a convenient excuse.

Maybe. I don’t know…

 

It’s just a fine line between mistakes and accidents.

There are some situations which are beyond our control no matter how many I-should-haves our mind can conjure up.

The best comment I have heard in 2010 is “You are not a CD player.”

It was for a friend after his piano recital of which he thought he played badly in.

 

That sentence struck me and had me mulled over it for days.

Does creativity mean playing an exact replica of a recorded piece? Do we strive for excellence or perfection?

If the purpose of live performances is to connect the audience through music, isn’t having a little imperfection a better representation? An indirect human touch, to remind ourselves that no matter how much we have prepared, there will always be a possibility for screw-ups.

“Human error” they call it.

Unfortunately, very often society deems that “humanness” unacceptable on stage.

The stage could jolly be the scariest place on earth, where imperfection is scorned at and where mistakes are amplified.

I think it takes much courage to be a musician, for putting yourself up in a position where it’s easy for others to pull you down.

It also requires a strong person to get back on his feet again, putting behind his past and walking forward towards his imagined destination.

A dream is a thought of which we use our whole life attempting to manifest, bringing it from the invisible realm into the natural realm. It is costly, it requires all of us.

And it is probably worth all the heartaches, headaches, sweat and tears at the end of the day. :)